A Short Play in One Act

Carmen: Jane Fonda or Henry Fonda?

Louise: Bridget Fonda.

Carmen: Peter Fonda or Peter Ustinov?

Louise: Peter Sellers.

Carmen: Peter O’ Toole.

Louise: Roger Moore or Demi Moore?

Carmen: Beau Bridges or Jeff Bridges?

Louise: Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks?

Carmen: Tom Waits.

Louise: Tom Selleck.

Carmen: Terry Thomas.

Louise: Terry Wogan.

Carmen: Terry Wogan isn’t an actor.

Louise: Neither is Tom Waits.

Carmen: Yes he is.

Louise: Well you did a name surname switch with Terry Thomas.

Carmen: That’s allowed.

Louise: Not if you’re also making a letter change within the name.

Carmen (takes a moment to think about it): Start again?

Carmen: It’s your turn to start.

Louise: (after briefly pausing to think): John Malcovich or John Gielgud?

Carmen: Olivia Newton John.

Louise: John Travolta.

Carmen: John Wayne.

Louise: Joan Crawford or Cindy Crawford?

Carmen: Cindy Crawford isn’t an actress.

Louise: Yes she is, she was in that film.

Carmen: Which film?

Louise: The one with the train.

Carmen: Who else was in it?

Louise: I don’t remember. I think it was one of the Baldwin brothers. Maybe Alec.

Carmen: What are you doing?

Louise: Nothing (she drinks a sip of water, puts pencil in her hair and closes notebook.)

Carmen: You’ve been writing again haven’t you?

Carmen: Come on, I saw you. You’ve been scribbling for five whole minutes.

Carmen tries to pull notebook from Louise who pulls it aside.

Louise: No I haven’t.

Carmen: Show me.

Louise: No.

Carmen: Come on. I show you all of mine.

Louise: I’ll show you when I’m finished. (Louise has started writing again).

Carmen: You’re not writing this as we speak are you? That’s so sad!

Louise: No, of course not. What sort of person do you take me for?

Carmen: I’m not sure.

Louise: What do you mean you’re not sure?

Carmen: Can we change the subject?

Louise: No we can’t.

Carmen: Please.

Louise: No.

Carmen: Oh come on!

Louise: No. I want to know what you think of me.

Carmen: Nothing, I was only kidding. Don’t worry about it. It was just a joke.

Louise: Do you want me to stop writing?

Carmen: Do what you want. Just change the subject. Please.

Louise: You change it.

Carmen (teasingly): Andrew tells me that Tom asked him if the four of us could meet sometime under the pretence of playing Midnight Monopoly. He asked him to get me to ask you.

Louise: But that’s just ridiculous. I see Tom every day. Surely he could have just asked me.

Carmen (still teasingly): Oh don’t be so hard on him. Perhaps he just doesn’t have anything to say for himself.

Louise: He must have something to say.

Carmen: I think that is why we have been invited to play Midnight Monopoly.

Louise: Yes. I see what you mean. But still.

Carmen (who is searching through her supermarket bag offers some snacks to Louise): Cheese Puffs?

Louise (daydreaming): I’m sorry?

Carmen (holding out packet): Cheese Puffs?

Louise: No thanks.

Carmen: Twiglets?

Louise: No.

Carmen: Barbecue Hula-Hoops?

Louise: No, I’m fine.

Carmen: Salt and Vinegar fuzzy sticks? Orange Maltezers? Cool flavoured Doritos? Champagne Crunchy Limited Edition? (she puts this aside then, almost to herself:) I think I’ve got some low fat cheese and onion alien discs somewhere…

Louise: No, no thank you.

Carmen: Oh I know! Pistachios! (She takes an almost empty pack and pours the remaining pistachios onto the mattress.)

Louise: I’m alright thanks.

Carmen (eating, possibly mixing snacks into a bowl): They make these snacks so good that you just can’t stop until you eat them all. I wonder whether the spicy Twiglets will mix well with the Maltezers. Or should I just stick to the normal ones? I think I’ll throw in some skittles for good measure. What do you think? Why don’t we put some music on? So what are we going to do about Tom and Andrew? What time is it anyway? If I eat one more of these I’m going to be sick. (She eats one more).

Louise: Stop talking. Stop eating. Stop changing subject. I can’t write it all down!

Carmen: Listen Louise, either it comes from within or it comes from without.

Louise: If you don’t speak it will come out more original.

Carmen: If we don’t say anything you won’t need to write.

Louise: Of course I need to write. And if I can’t write about anything other than ourselves then we will just have to remain silent and inactive. Don’t do it or it will no longer be original. Don’t say it, just write it down. Then you can say it. Because it doesn’t matter if you say it after you have written it. In the beginning was the Word.

Carmen: In the beginning was the Deed.

Louise: In the beginning there was silence.

Carmen (holding up a pistachio, which she then eats) In the beginning there was… the pistachio!

Louise: Stupid things can seem so intelligent when taken out of context.

Carmen: What are you talking about?

Louise: Well…take you for example.

Carmen: Maybe silence isn’t such a bad thing after all. We’ve never had silence in this room.

Louise: Shall we try it?

Carmen (whispering): Can we put some music on?

Louise (whispering): Put on the Schubert.

Carmen (almost daydreaming): Do you think that one day it might become impossible to come up with an original series of notes? That all the possible combinations could become exhausted? (Louise takes the sleeve from Carmen’s hands and puts the inner sleeve back inside, she then fixes the records). That there might be no more space left for originality?

Louise (enthusiastic but calm, obviously pleased with her bullshitting skills): Only repetition. There will be endless repetition. Again and again and again and again for all eternity. There will be no culture left. No spirit. Just DVD’s and HELLO magazines.

Carmen: And books on CD-ROM.

Louise: Only a disaster of cosmic proportions would be capable of rectifying the situation.

Carmen: You mean everything we value would be destroyed…

Louise: Then everything could start all over again…

Carmen: Like Noah’s flood…

Louise: And the survivors, if there are any will become slaves to their fading memories…

Carmen: Forever trying to rearrange the remaining fragments into something meaningful…

Louise: But there will be too many disagreements…

Carmen: Too many theories and not enough facts…

Louise: Eventually people will just have to start creating anew…

Carmen: But in a different spirit…

Louise: Which is good…

Carmen: Sometimes great evil can be the cause of the greatest of goods…

Louise: You know what the problem is? There are only three ways of looking at things. If only somebody could find a fourth way, a fourth perspective. Three modes is far too limited. It is the only reason why friends still argue. Why anybody argues. Ever. The fourth way would capture all possible perspectives. That’s all there is to it.

Carmen: I don’t know what you’re talking about Louise. You know you mustn’t let your writing influence you.

Louise: Why not?

Carmen: That would be prejudice. And prejudice is a very ugly thing. Like fish.

Louise: Yes but don’t fish improve your eyesight?

Carmen: That’s just a myth.

Louise: I like myths.

Carmen: These discussions are getting us nowhere.

Louise: Where did you want to go?

Carmen: Don’t talk so loud.

Louise: Where exactly did you want to go?

Carmen: Don’t talk so loud.

Louise: Why don’t you answer my question?

Carmen: Why don’t you just stop shouting?

Louise: Where exactly did you want to go?

Carmen: Why don’t you leave me alone?

Louise: Why don’t you answer my question?

Carmen: Why don’t you just shut the fuck up?

Louise: Why don’t you just calm down?

Carmen: Why don’t we eat a bag of pistachios or something?

Louise: We can’t. You ate them all!

Carmen: Don’t shout. Somebody might hear us. What will they think?

Louise: What does it matter what they think?

Carmen: Where are my pistachios?

Carmen: You hid them didn’t you?

Louise: What are you talking about?

Carmen: Where did you hide them?

Louise: I didn’t hide them.

Carmen: No, I’m sure you didn’t.

Louise: You’re paranoid.

Carmen: You’re a liar.

Louise: You’re crazy!

Carmen: You're a bitch!

Louise: You’re insane!

Carmen: You’re pathetic!

Louise: Stop shouting!

Carmen: Somebody turn that stupid music off!

Louise: You turn it off.

Carmen: You’re the one who put it on.

Louise: No I didn’t. I merely chose it.

Carmen: Is there a difference?

Louise: Yes. You were in charge of the volume. I just wanted silence.

Carmen (still on the mattress): You thought I wasn’t going to find them.

Louise: I’m telling you I didn’t hide them.

Carmen: Oh yeah? So how did they get there?

Louise: How should I know? Maybe you were saving them for a rainy day.

Carmen: I think I would have remembered.

Louise: That’s your problem not mine.

Carmen: I’m not stupid you know.

Louise: Ok, Ok I hid them. Alright? Are you satisfied? But I only hid the awful soft ones -

Carmen (interrupting : No it’s not alright. What I do with my pistachios is none of your business.

Louise: But they were just the soft ones. You know you’re not allowed to eat the soft ones. I’ve told you before. They’re not good for you. If I’d known you were going to be so immature about it I would have thrown them away.

Carmen (in her own world): I had a dream about my pistachios. They only tasted bad because they were ripe and then they became ok.

Louise: And how are they in the real world?

Carmen: Since when did you become a dietician anyway?

Louise: Oh yes I forgot, you’re the little diet expert (points to pile of diet books). How could I forget a thing like that.

Carmen: Don’t do this Louise.

Louise (goes over to bookcase): Don’t do what?

Carmen: You know damn well what.

Louise: I do?

Louise (reads out some of the book titles): Let’s see what have we got here: ‘New Biogenic Diet’, ’14 days to Dieting Success’, ‘The Diet that Does it’, ‘Dream Diet’, and oh yes, my personal favourite (picks it out and reads the jacket), ‘Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution, The no-hunger, luxurious weight loss plan that really works! The American Blockbuster! Three million copies sold’

Carmen: Louise I’m warning you.

Louise (reading off back-cover as if advertising): ‘Eat luxuriously and feel completely satisfied. Experience the metabolic boost the Atkins’ Diet provides. Enjoy mouth-watering gourmet recipes! Forget counting calories! Lose substantial weight without ever going hungry! Watch the fat melt away as a healthier and firmer body emerges! Simply cut-down on the carbohydrates and never get fat again’

Carmen: Yes ok we get the point. At least I don’t buy books called ‘365 ways to keep your lover’.

Louise: That was a present.

Carmen: To yourself.

Louise: Well, at least I kept my lover.

Carmen: Not for long.

Louise: Ok but I still had a lover to lose. I didn’t need to steal someone else’s.

Carmen (mocking Louise’s voice): And I had weight to lose and I lost it. Or are you implying otherwise?

Louise: No. Not at all. I just don’t want you putting it back on that’s all. Remember the last time you did Atkins’?

Carmen: How was I supposed to know that pistachios have 16.4 grams of carbohydrates per one hundred grams?

Louise: Well now that you know why do you keep eating them?

Carmen: Because the nutritional information provided must be wrong. I did a calculation you know…(lifts mattress and takes out a mini-pad which she opens) given that a 250 gram bag has an average of 237 pistachios, each pistachio weighs approximately 1.054 grams, and yet according to the 16.4 gram theory this would mean that a 1.054 gram pistachio has 1.64 grams of carbohydrates! (lifts mattress and puts mini-pad back) It’s clearly some kind of conspiracy. It’s a cover up. I reckon pistachios are carbohydrate free.

Louise: And how do you know how many pistachios there are in a bag?

Carmen: I counted them… I was curious.

Louise: That’s so sad.

Carmen: I could sue them you know.

Louise: Maybe they just don’t include the weight of the shell in the nutritional information.

Carmen: Well I’m not on Atkins’ anymore in any case so it doesn’t matter ok? I can eat as many of the little bastards as I want to. I’ve switched to the weight-watchers slim-line low-stress maintenance scheme.

Louise: Since when?

Carmen (thinks about this and doesn’t want to get tricked): Since I started eating them.

Louise: You mean since the day we met?

Carmen: Very funny.

Louise: Oh Carmen, Grow up, stop lying to yourself!

Carmen (mockingly): ‘Oh Carmen, Grow up, stop lying to yourself’

Louise: I don’t understand how you can live with yourself.

Carmen (confused): What are you talking about?

Louise: I’m talking about the reason why I bought that book.

Carmen (caught of guard): It’s not my fault your boyfriend fancied me.

Louise: He wasn’t my boyfriend. He was my lover.

Carmen: Well it’s not my fault your lover fancied me.

Louise: Do you think he fancied you just because you somehow managed to get him drunk and then spent the whole night drooling all over him? I hope you were happy with that achievement by the way.

Carmen: I told you I was sorry.

Louise: You never could learn to control yourself could you?

Carmen: Louise please.

Louise: I would have thought that after that you would have tried to sort yourself out but obviously you haven’t. You’re losing it Carmen. I mean breaking that record just now. What was that all about?

Carmen: It was my record. What’s it to you?

Louise: Oh now you can distinguish between what belongs to you and what doesn’t.

Carmen: I told you I was sorry.

Louise: I was going to make a copy of that.

Carmen: Why don’t you buy it on CD? Then you can make me a copy.

Louise: You should really stop eating those things. They’re not helping you.

Carmen: Neither are you.

Louise: Yea whatever Carmen.

Carmen: I’ll put them away if you stop writing.

Louise (getting up from her chair, changes conversation): Maybe we were both wrong. Maybe Goethe was right. Maybe the deed does have to come first. But then we would truly have to consider ourselves as fictions (she gets up and leans on the desk facing Carmen) We will not follow the fiction; we will be the fiction! That is the fourth way! To fictionalise ones entire life! To create oneself as if one was another!

Carmen: You want your writing to have freedom.

Louise: This isn’t about my writing.

Carmen: Then why wouldn’t you want your life to have freedom?

Louise (with a Southern American accent): "Freedom’s just another word for ‘nothing left to lose’".

Carmen (taking the piss): And to secure peace is to prepare for war?

Louise (purposely pretentious, she pulls a pencil from one of the tidy-tubs and points it at Carmen): Yes but remember that the pen is mightier than the sword.

Carmen: And fact is stranger than fiction?

Louise (even more purposely pretentious): There is no difference between fact and fiction. Fact is fiction. And fiction fact. That’s all ye know and all ye need to know…

Carmen: Exactly. There is no difference between the real and the unreal; between the word and the deed; between the shell and the pistachio (she holds one of each before Louise).

Louise: There are no finite limits! There are no sharp boundaries! Our transcendence is complete. This room is fiction. At last we have reached the natural apotheosis of our aesthetic predicament. We are a living cut and paste!

Carmen (getting up from mattress, acting, with increasing excessiveness, but not entirely convincingly.): All we need is a recording device, ripe pistachios and a good word processor. With these in our possession we will never have to leave this room again. The limitations are limited. Hence the possibilities must be endless! The Book is Dead! Long live Fiction! The Book is Dead! Long live The Fictitious Life! [kicks magazines and pistachios that are on the mattress, and straightens herself up..]

Louise (unimpressed): The key is to be convincing. If you’re not convincing, forget it.

Carmen (sitting down): To convince is to conform..

Louise: To convince is to shock.

Carmen: Nothing’s shocking anymore. (She opens the crunchie she had earlier put aside.) To convince, is to be photogenic. (She starts on the crunchie).

Louise: You know what’s going to happen don’t you? One of these days someone’s going to come in and find us here with all these snacks and papers and take us for the sick individuals that we really are!

Carmen (still jokingly, walks back towards mattress and sits): Are you crazy or something? How dare you call yourself an individual!

Louise (more serious sounding, approaches Carmen who is still on the mattress): There’s something I’ve got to tell you actually.

Carmen: What?

Louise: Come closer.

Carmen: No.

Louise: Ok, I’ll come to you. (Louise gets up, goes to Carmen and kneels by her.) It’s very important. (Louise puts her hand around Carmen who turns away).

Carmen: What is it?

Louise: I did the tests Carmen: I did the tests last week.

Carmen: What?

Louise: They took me there and they gave me all the tests. I did them.

Carmen (confused): What tests?

Louise (touching Carmen, she speaks slowly and clearly): All of them. I did every single one.

Carmen: Don’t touch me.

Louise: Don’t you care?

Carmen (upset and almost frightened): Stop it!

Louise: Don’t you want to know? Don’t you want to hear about the results?

Carmen: Get off me.

Louise: The results have come out.

Carmen: Get off! (Carmen pushes Louise and gets up.)

Louise (left on the floor in a skewed position): In fact they came out very quickly. Too quickly. Much sooner than expected. There was no margin of doubt. (Extremely brief pause. She begins to swing back and forth.) I’m a lunatic. I did the lunacy test. I did the lunacy test. I did the lunacy test and I’m positive. I’m a lunatic. I’m a dangerous lunatic (approaches Carmen once more but the audience (if there is any) can still see her face. She laughs as she crawls towards Carmen.): I’m a dangerous lunatic! Do you know what that means? Do you know? It means I could do anything! My behaviour is unpredictable. I’m dangerous! I’m irrational! Do you understand what that means? I have no reason! I could do anything. I’m irrational! I’m a dangerous lunatic! I have no self-control! (She grabs hold of Carmen’s foot, Carmen moves).

Carmen (unsure whether or not this is a joke): Stop it! Stop! No more.

Louise (grabbing hold of Carmen’s foot once more): I have no self-control!

Carmen (breaking free, Louise is left on her knees facing Carmen): For God’s sake Louise. You’re sick! I’m not going to take this shit anymore!

Louise: Yes I am! You got that right. I’m sick! I’m a sick lunatic! I’m a sick lunatic!

Carmen: Get off me or I’ll fucking hit you.

Louise (quite fast, especially at first): Hit the lunatic! Hit the lunatic! Come on then hit me! I Dare you! Hit me! (Louise leans back) Hit me! (She leans back even further). Carmen slaps Louise.

Carmen: You stupid, crazy bitch.

Louise half-falls, after a beet she falls onto the mattress, face down. Carmen is unsure what to do. She looks confused. She paces for a few seconds, sees the water on the desk, takes it and somewhat reluctantly splashes it onto Carmen.

Louise (who immediately gets up and tries to dry herself with her finger): What’s wrong with you Carmen? What’s the matter? You seem so upset. You’re so tense. All those soft pistachios you ate must have really got to your head. Have I upset you or something? Would you like me to leave? I don’t feel like I’m welcome here anymore. I mean, if you’d like me to go, just say so.

Carmen: Leave me alone.

Louise: Why are you so mean to me?

Carmen: What’s wrong with you?

Louise: First you hit me without even apologising. Then you pour a fuck-load of water all over my head, when I ask you what’s wrong you don’t even want to talk to me and now you have the audacity to ask what’s wrong with me? What did I do to you? What’s going on here?

Carmen: I’m sorry. I really am. Let me get you a towel.

Carmen: Here. Peace.

Carmen: I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. (Almost pleading) Peace? (She returns to the mattress).

Louise (drying herself): What’s wrong?

Carmen: Nothing.

Louise: Tell me what’s wrong. I can tell something’s wrong.

Carmen (hesitantly): I feel so alone. I just want some attention.

Louise: I know it must be so hard for you.

Carmen: Are you making fun of me?

Louise: No, I’m just trying to give you attention.

Carmen: Is this a joke?

Louise: No. I’m absolutely serious.

Carmen: Look, let’s just forget it.

Louise: No we won’t forget it.

Carmen: Why not?

Louise: Not unless we talk about it.

Carmen: I don’t know

Louise: Come on Carmen. Come talk to me. Are you ok? What’s the matter?

Carmen: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t figure it out. All I know is that I’m going downhill. Nothing is the same anymore. I had so much more potential three years ago. I had talent. I had a goal. I knew what I was doing with myself. I was creative. And then – I don’t know what happened then. Everything just stopped. I just stopped. I don’t know anything anymore. (Pause. Louise begins to write) Sometimes I think it’s other people. I think they’re to blame. I tell myself that they are all crazy or that they are selfish. Sometimes everybody seems so selfish. Then I think that the whole world can’t be like that so it must be me, and that gets me paranoid, and then I realise this so I start blaming other people even more. But maybe they’re not to blame. Maybe I have no one to blame but myself.

Louise: Don’t say that.

Carmen: And when I start worrying about all this I no longer act normally. I start analysing things too much. And I spend too much time deliberating, which is not good. Nothing comes naturally anymore. I don’t think that’s really me. You know what I mean? I used to be spontaneous. Now I can’t even take a joke. God, what must you think of me? I’m not a good friend to you anymore. All I ever do is get depressed. I hate depressed people so much. They’re so depressing. Always moaning and groaning. They have nothing to offer. Nothing to give. They have nothing of interest to say. It’s pathetic, but it’s true isn’t it. That I’ve changed? (Pause). I’m not a good friend to you am I? Sometimes I wonder who I am. It feels so awful. It makes me sick. I’m sick of this place. I’m sick of myself. God I know I shouldn’t say these things but I am. I don’t know if I’m suited to this life. I don’t know what I’m suited to. Why should I be suited to anything at all? Maybe I should just give up before I raise my hopes too high. (By now she is close to tears. Louise has started writing again) Maybe I should leave and go back home and forget it. I don’t know, I don’t know if I belong here. And then next year you’ll be gone as well. I’ll have no one to trust. There’ll be no one here. I don’t even want to think about it. There’ll be nothing left. Everything will be empty. That’s how I feel inside. It’s like a vacuum. Completely empty. Penniless.

Louise (finishing off the writing): You don’t mind do you? If I just write this down?

Carmen: Just don’t blame me if you don’t get published.

Louise: Have you got anything else to say?

Carmen: Is this the only reason you like me?

Louise: Yea.

Carmen: Can you just tell me which one of us is taking the piss?

Louise: That’s such a bad line. But if I don’t write it down the dialogue might get confusing. The best thing to do would be to replace it with something else. Can’t you think of anything better to say?

Carmen: Fuck you.

Louise: I’m sorry?

Carmen: Why don’t you just go fuck yourself?

Louise: Why don’t you just calm down a little. You’re not well.

Carmen: I’m not well? You’re the fucking lunatic, remember?

Louise: Calm down. Relax.

Carmen: No you relax. Go fuck yourself!

Louise: Carmen.

Carmen: I mean it Louise (throwing a fistful of pistachios at her): Get fucked!!!

Louise: What’s happened to you Carmen? Why are you acting this way? You’re overreacting. Calm down. What’s wrong with you? You’ve become so mean. And what is it with all this swearing? You have to stop that. It’s not good for you. Apparently you can go mad. It’s addictive; it’s unhealthy; it’s like snacks. You start by swearing every now and again and soon after it just starts getting more and more until it’s completely beyond your control. And then there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s a stress thing too. You mustn’t get stressed. You have to be strong. I’m telling you if you don’t restrain yourself you’re going to end up swearing without even listening to what others are saying. It will happen automatically, causally, non-intentionally. I read about it in "Psychology Monthly". My mother used to keep some copies lying around the house. God knows what she did with them. She didn’t read them, that’s for sure. She never read anything. But I remember this issue on her dressing table clear as ice. December 1996. Volume 5. Issue 6. A Christmas bumper special. 174 pages in full-colour gloss. ‘The Swearing Disease’. That’s what they call it. ‘The involuntary, non-intentional swearing reflex syndrome.’ There was a special section on it. It exists. I read about it. It’s a scientific fact. They’ve given it a Latin name. It’s been polled. Apparently one in ten Americans between the age of three and thirty have it. They’ve been experimenting too. The worst thing is that it can be transmitted genetically. I remember being worried about it because my mother used to swear a lot. She got it from both her parents. And her uncles as well. Listen to me. This thing is dangerous. (Goes to Carmen and hugs her). You need help. I will help you. Unfortunately, (stepping back) they say it’s also contagious. (Comes closer again, pats her hair:) But that’s what I’m here for. Come one. Tell me all your troubles. I’m here to help you. I’m here to listen. I’m on your side Carmen. Talk to me. You must not let this disease bring you down. It must not get the better of you, because then it really will be too late. And terrible things might start to happen. So come on. There’s still hope. Don’t be stupid. Talk to me. Please.

Carmen: Why don’t you and your mother just go fuck yourselves?

Louise (gets up and goes back to her desk): That’s it. I’m warning you. I’m not going to tolerate this for much longer.

Carmen: ‘Toleration is a part of Justice.’ Marcus Aurelius, Emperor. AD 161-180.

Louise: What has justice to do with friendship?

(Almost to herself , writing it down)

‘It is a strange form of anger

Difficult to cure

When two friends turn upon

Each other in hatred’

(To Carmen): Euripides. Playwright. Before Emperors even existed. I think.

Carmen: What are you trying to say?

Louise: I like to keep an open mind.

Carmen: An open mind is an empty mind.

Louise: A closed mind cannot know what an open mind is like.

Carmen: That’s an absolute statement. So your mind can’t be that open.

Louise: What’s wrong with you?

Carmen: What’s wrong with me?

Louise: Is this some kind of joke?

Carmen: No.

Louise (approaches Carmen): I was only trying to help. Listen to me. I was trying to cheer you up.

Carmen: Leave me alone.

Louise: Why?

Carmen: Because.

Louise: Because what?

Carmen: Because I’m thinking.

Louise: You think too much.

Carmen: You talk too much.

Louise: You eat too much.

Carmen: You (can’t think of anything to say)…criticise too much

Louise: Well I was only trying to stop you from being stupid. Why d’ you think I’ve been writing all of this down? (Pause) So that when you read it you’ll see how pathetic you are. In fact, this is the best bit.

Carmen: You really are sick aren’t you?

Louise: There’s no point talking to you. Some people never learn.

Carmen: oh so the lunatic is a teacher now. Don’t make me laugh.

Louise: I won’t.

Carmen: Good.

Louise: Look, all I’m saying is that we must try to be more minimalist in our thoughts.

Carmen: Thinking must be thought and only then it has to be edited. We must have grandeur in our thoughts and only be minimalist in our presentation of them. That way we can be both modest and mysterious at the same time.

Louise: you just don’t get it do you? Too much thinking is bad regardless of whether you express it or not. It’s bad for your health. And when you do express it as you have been doing today, it can only make things worse.

Carmen: What I was saying was that it must be edited when writing fiction, because it sounds stupid there. In real life one must let it all out once in a while. It’s Cathartic. One should not be ashamed of sounding stupid. Stupidity is such an important aspect of human life.

Louise: But I thought you believed fiction was meant to reflect real life.

Carmen: I do.

Louise: Here. Read this. If this doesn’t help you I don’t know what will. (passes the notebook to Carmen and sits on the carpet by the mattress).

Carmen: What is it?

Louise: Just read it.

Carmen: That’s me.

Louise: Just read on.

Carmen: Shut up.

Louise (immediately): Read on.

Carmen: That’s what I said.

Louise: I know.

Carmen: I must hand it to you. You’re a great writer.

Louise: But it’s all you.

Carmen: You wrote it.

Louise: But it’s you.

Carmen: I couldn’t write that. It’s much too honest.

Louise: But you did say it, didn’t you? Well somebody came up with it and it wasn’t me. It’s not about the writing anyway.

Louise: Are you angry?

Carmen: Let me finish.

Louise: So…?

Carmen: So?

Louise: So are you angry?

Carmen: I’m not sure.

Louise: You’re not sure?

Carmen: I don’t know. No…I feel…I feel…lighter, somehow. I feel like I’ve just been to confession…or the toilet. I feel like the emptiness is a blessing.

Louise: A blessing?

Carmen: Like it will help me to become more pure. Like I don’t need to know who I am. I will just be, and by not thinking about it I will become a better person. A genuine person.

Louise: A genuine person? (Louise closes the notebook.)

Carmen: Yes, you know…like Robin Hood.

Louise: Robin Hood was a thief.

Carmen: Yes but he was a genuine thief.

Louise: I see. So what are you going to do besides being genuine then, murder people?

Carmen: I don’t know. Genuine people don’t decide these things before hand. They just become them. Once you’re genuine, the rest is second nature. You just react. That’s all there is to it.

Louise: You mean like you were reacting before?

Carmen: Oh no. The genuine me is not going to be disturbed. I just meant that maybe too much thinking is unhealthy after all.

Louise: I’m glad to hear that

Carmen: You know what I’m going to do?

Louise: What?

Carmen: I’m going to clear this mess up and make a fresh start.

Louise: I see..

Carmen: You’re not convinced are you?

Louise: I didn’t say that

Carmen: No really this time I mean it.

Louise: I’m sure you do.

Carmen: I do.

Louise: No more swearing then?

Carmen: No more swearing.

Louise: And no more soft pistachios.

Carmen: I don’t know about that. I think it’s better to take things slowly. One step at a time. I’ don’t want to over do it.

Louise (getting up to help Carmen clear): Here let me help you.

Carmen: So, when was the last time you saw your mother?

Louise: In the summer, for a couple of days.

Carmen: How was it?

Louise: You know. She tried to be friendly at first but then eventually she couldn’t take it any more and she just went apeshit.

Carmen: So did you leave on a good not?

Louise: She left a note. But I wouldn’t say it was good.

Carmen: Have you spoken to her since?

Louise: I don’t speak to her, she speaks to me.

Carmen: And what did she say?

Louise: She only ever wants to talk about money. It’s disgusting. I can’t take this shit anymore.

Carmen: Yea... but still.

Louise: Yea you’re right. You know what I really feel like doing now?

Carmen: What?

Louise (sits on the floor): Having McDonalds. I want that new Chinese Mc rib extra value meal with a toffee banana sundae and lemon chicken dippers on the side.

Carmen: And I can have a happy meal. (To herself): It’s only got 570 calories. (To Louise:) Plus they’ve got buzz light-year this week. It’s got special sound effects!

Louise: Then why don’t we go to the one with the guy that fancies you. Then you can get me one as well.

Carmen: Ok. What time is it?

Louise: It’s almost midnight.

Carmen (putting her jacket on): Shit it’s going to shut.

Louise: What about Tom and Andrew.

Carmen: You were right. They’re both idiots.

Louise: I don’t know. I thought it was kind of cute. Why don’t we go?

Carmen: What about McDonald’s?

Louise: Fuck McDonald’s!

Carmen: Louise!

Louise: I told you it was contagious. (Louise puts her coat on.)

Carmen: That’s good. That’s really good! (Reaches out for one of Louise’s pencils and pulls out a different mini-pd from underneath her mattress)

Louise: What are you doing?

Carmen: I’ll write it down. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. This is going to be good.

Carmen (getting up, meanwhile Louise also packs her pencil case and notepad at a slow pace ): Ok. Shit let’s go. I’ll finish it later. How do I look? Can you tell I’ve been crying? God we’ll never make it. Come on let’s go! What are you waiting for?

Carmen: What’s wrong?

Louise: Nothing. Nothing at all. Let’s go.

Carmen: It must be something.

Louise: Please. I don’t want to talk about it.

Carmen: I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s wrong.

Louise: But we’re going to be late.

Carmen: But this is serious.

Louise: Why do you say that?

Carmen: Just tell me what it is Louise… what is it?

Louise: I told you it was nothing. (Louise turns the light off as she goes up the stairs. A spot is left on Carmen).

Carmen: It must be something.

Louise: How can something be nothing?

Carmen: How can a nothing be something you don’t want to talk about?

Louise: Can we change the subject?

Carmen: No.

Louise: I promise you it’s nothing.

Carmen: Promise?

Louise: Promise.

Carmen: I don’t believe you.

Louise: Really, it’s nothing.

Carmen: Has it got anything to do with me?